Next week will be six months of all that. It’s time to audit, it’s time to sit down with myself to be able to assess what has been done and what hasn’t been done within what had marked me as a roadmap. And I think it’s the right time to do this analysis not only because it’s a semester, but because I’m aware that the end of a first stage of the clinical process, which is expected to be physically and cognitively hard, is beginning. The cumulative effects of eleven sessions of chemotherapy no longer go unnoticed and I have five left to finish. The mirror reflects an asymmetrical woman, with a little less weight, with a wig (I call it a backpack) that hides a round and bare skull and, finally, a sleepless and disoriented look that seeks to regain the ability to concentrate, and a a bit of memory.
And it is from this feeling of losing control of everything that I see myself with the need to take paper and pencil to review the path taken and be able to better face the next phase. Wasn’t that about it? From pressing pause mode to looking back, reviewing and moving forward? Looks like I’m doing well enough.
In order to be able to delve into this task in an orderly manner, I will try to do so from two perspectives: the audit of the clinical process and the audit of the internal process.
In the first area of action, the treatment and the schedule provided for it are being met: diagnostic phase, intervention phase, chemotherapy phase, control of the effects and some more tests avui to date.
In the internal process, or rather, the Maria project itself, as it represents the exercise of looking inside, the thing is no longer so simple. Indeed, it is not possible to measure objectively what my evolution has been in these terms, I wish I could calculate what I think and feel in weight !, but I am able to shell out by chapters what is my relationship with my environment, with my life if compared to Mary before October 23, 2017.
So, starting with the family chapter, and starting from the fact that I am very lucky to have daughters, mother, sister, brother-in-law and ex-husband flag, I would say that these months have shown me how you can always be attentive and connected with me. without ceasing to be, however, respectful of my intimacy and my pain. We have shared soul conversations, we have embraced the power of love. Family and companions: 10 points! My treasures Maria, Marta, and Júlia: 11 points !. I will talk about them at another time with all the attention these little people deserve who have shown incredible maturity for their age.
During this semester friendships have also played a vital role in my growth as a person. The unconditional love I have received has taught me to let myself be loved and know how to love. There is still a long way to go, but for now I have been able to move away from false friendships and give the best of what I am capable of to rooted friendships, those that suffer when you are not well and that laugh and cry when you you do too. Those who know your vulnerability and who also show you theirs. Friends: 10 points!
A few weeks ago listening to an interview with a Coach on a Catalunya Ràdio program, he mentioned that to get out of a personal crisis, whether due to grief, a work problem or, in my case, an illness, it was necessary to work on relationships. eating well, playing sports, reading, writing, resting and thinking about all the opportunities that change situations allow us to glimpse and which we surely would not have been able to enjoy but would have felt overwhelmed by the need to survival.
If I follow and review the list to help me finish this exam, I can say with satisfaction that I am beginning to understand why I am here and why I have to live this experience, without it being a rush forward, but the awareness of a new reality that does not cling to the past and that seeks a way to close wounds to initiate a personal change towards fullness, towards the true self.
And now what?
The medical process continues for another six months with the end of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, hormone therapy, the dreaded first check-up and reconstruction.
As for the path, it has ceased to be individual, it does not go alone, it is a train that adds other travelers connected to my process but also immersed in the development of their own vital projects. The train provides some stops where I will probably have to say goodbye to someone, out of love, so that the wear and tear of the accompaniment does not harm the development of the projects themselves. On the other hand, it is also possible for other people to get to the same destination at some station. In any case, you will have to go slowly, closing wounds, going through grief, making decisions and causing small changes until you reach recognition, rebirth and self-esteem, without fear, without haste and with a lot of joy and humor !. That should be my ultimate goal.