What I haven’t cried in years I cry now, any situation no matter how intense or close to me, triggers a knot in my throat that rises like a tsunami of tears in my eyes. Then I try to hold my gaze so that the tear does not fall, while I look for a neutral thought that releases the heartache and relaxes the eyebrow.
I dread the next few days filled with school, sports and family celebrations because I know the feeling will come back to my eyes and heart, and I will have to resort to self-control which I sense cannot be too healthy because it is unnatural.
And you’ll wonder what makes me hold back the expression of sadness, pain, and joy as well.
Quite simply, crying takes me against the current, not coinciding with that of others, and consequently I feel alone in emotion. This makes me feel uncomfortable and visible, just when I prefer to go more unnoticed than ever. I would say I am overwhelmed with feeling.
It’s been a few weeks since hormone therapy has me fed up with hot flushes and mood swings, and for sure it’s also partly responsible for this hypersensitivity that makes me cry. But I feel like something deeper is going on inside of me apart from the side effects of some pills.
Despite not ceasing to be optimistic and cheerful I feel a lack of energy. A bit like the darkness of a splendid and bright spring but that does not hide a certain anxiety.
I feel the weight of my shadow like an anachronistic slab that cries out adventures and exhausted possibilities. I also feel the pressure of these losses like a punch in the heart, which leaves it stunned and melancholy.
Perhaps crying is a reminder that I have to go through the grief of the disease in the same way that a year ago I felt the need to look for the reasons of my illness.
You have to listen to the body and keep in mind that whatever the mind tries to hide in oblivion, the body has a memory of it’s own and will look for a way to spit out the pain that is still left inside. So welcome tears, let them fall without complexes, with complete freedom, because it is very likely that sometimes you need to cry to heal.